So I decided to start a blog. Good idea? Bad idea? I don't know yet, but what I do know is that this last year has been hardest one I've lived and the idea of sharing is appealing to me. Maybe there are people out there who have been where i'm at or felt how I feel. I'm Stacey, wife, mother, grandmother and until recently full time caretaker of my father as he succumbed to cancer. I still feel his death was sudden and unexpected, even though he had stage 4 kidney cancer that had metastisized into 98% of his bones and several other organs. Maybe I always will feel this way. I truly believed that if we could just keep going, one day at a time, one crisis at a time, he would stay with us. If we refused to give up or be sad, we would win and he would be here. Not so much. He died holding my hand at 6:30 in the evening on Sept 3, 2009.
I kinda thought it was rude of him though to do that to me. Why me and not one of the nurses who were coming in that evening or my stepmom or even my husband? He always believed that I could handle anything, do anything and fix everything. Inside, I lived in terror that one day he would find out that I wasn't as strong or capable as he believed me to be. That I would drop the ball and fail in epic proportions. I have never seen anyone die and I hope that I never do again. I was terrified at the thought and pushed it from my mind at every opportunity, so when it happened, I was completely unprepared. I can't sleep at night, I replay that last day over and over in my mind, looking for things I could have done differently, beating myself up over not having the training and knowledge that could have allowed me to get him through another day.
I am wracked with guilt, regrets and so full of sadness I am not sure how to deal with it. So I stuff it all down, put on my smile and imitate a happy person. But it's bubbling up, threatening to spill over. I don't know how to grieve, I don't know how to release myself from blame and I don't know how to move on. Right now, my husband and I are also responsible for my daughter and her two children, ages 2 and 2 months. She was in an abusive relationship and we finally got her out of it when she was 6 mos pregnant, so here we are, one big "happy" family. How can I grieve or be sad or even be less than 100% on top of my game with all these people depending on me to make everything ok? Not to mention that I also have to be strong and helpful for my stepmom (who is like a mother to me) while she deals with her own grief and problems the death of a spouse brings.
Who am I now? Who am I supposed to be? My father was always in my corner, on my side and could be counted on for advice, love and support. I feel so alone and restless, unfocused and to top everything off, I was diagnosed with Cardiomyopathy a month before he died; Doctor says most likely my bodies response to all the stress I was under and now have had to adjust my lifestyle and live with a heart I don't trust anymore. Oh and did I mention I also have Rheumatoid Arthritis? How do I deal with all of this? How do I reconfigure myself? My weight has fallen to about 105 lbs, people probably think i'm a drug addict or aneorexic, but it's not like you can wear a t-shirt that says "My life sucks!" and why in the hell am I worrying about what other people will think right now? I'm so tired, I just need a day that I feel really good, a reminder of why it's good to be alive and part of this world.
